Light in the Darkness

So I know that I haven’t written a blog in a very long time. I guess the only time I feel inspired to write is when I’m procrastinating things that need to be done.

I had an awe ha moment today and feel like I need to write it down. It’s not for the benefit of the three people that will read this, because I’m sure everyone who does read this will think, “Yes Brittany, we knew this all along.” The main reason I’m writing this is for my own use so that I may remember this feeling.

Life is full of so many trials; so many that one may be overwhelmed to even think about how many one may have in a given time. The week has been quite a trial, not the hardest, but not quite so easy to go through. In fact the last three years have been quite a difficult experience. I’ve lost best friends, had difficult jobs, roommates. Dating has been a quite terrible experience. I’ve struggled with my testimony, in finding direction, and have questions that I may never find the answer too. I began wondering if the church really is true. All of this while moving out on my own, and also having to move back home. Wondering how to pay off my debts, feeling like they will never be paid off. In this time I have honestly felt lost. It wasn’t just not knowing what direction I was going, or where I should go with my life, but what my purpose was. It was a feeling of emptiness.

In this time I have been so focused on the trials, I became depressed and I struggled. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered I was handling things all wrong. Suddenly my eyes saw what was really happening, what I was doing wrong. So many good things are coming from all of this.

I have grown so much closer to my siblings because of this. Though they might not be going through the same thing as me, they know what it’s like. I realized that they truly do love me and are always there to help me. I can always count on them to help me through the hard times. They are my best friends, the kind that never leave you. They truly know who I am and love me for it. Being the youngest, I can tell that they are looking out for me and always want the best for me. Jenny was the first one to encourage me in my crazy dream to go through culinary school. When I was in BYU ID wondering how I would even be able to pay for it and doubting myself, she encouraged me to go. She has helped me through by showing interest in what I am doing. Amber has helped me with schooling so much. Any question I have she answers. She helped me with my resume. She pretty much got me my job at Deer Valley that showed me what it’s like in the culinary world. Russell and Adam are definitely my big brothers always looking out for me teaching me how to defend myself, how to shoot a gun. Curtis has shown me what it’s like to be independent and has encouraged me so much to experience life. Christy has helped me with my wardrobe, making sure her sister looks decent in public. Always showing interest in what I am doing with my life.

I feel like other trials in my life have worn me down till I was nothing just so I could be taught what I needed to learn. I’ve always struggled with knowing individual worth. Never believed that it applied to me, but I am beginning to realize that I am worth something. It’s funny how you learn that from your lack of dating or failed attempts, but whatever works right.

I now know what it’s like to have friends that support you through what you are doing, friends that are loyal and care about you. I don’t think I would be where I am if it weren’t for my friends. Emily Kohler taught me so much about friendship and life and the church I am so grateful and in debt to her. She is truly my best friend and I am so grateful that I met her. She, Dave, and Ryan, have been such an example to me. They have helped me through some of my questions in life. They have helped me to accept myself for who I am and I am truly grateful. There are so many others that have influenced me and have been great friends and examples, Christine for befriending me this semester. Cory for always being such an example to our class. Caleb for showing me the importance of the basics.

I have a hard time going to church because of my work schedule. So I am so grateful for the institute class I am in. For Christine who encouraged me to go with her. It was something that I truly needed this semester. Brother Perry is a wonderful teacher and he has help me realize some important truths, and got me on the right path to building my testimony. I know the importance of going to church every week. It really helps you through your week, it’s a necessity. I didn’t really know this, or believe this earlier. But after going three months without church to go for one week, you begin to understand. There is such a great feeling at church. You can learn so much truth there. It’s so hard to explain.

I am so grateful for my parents, they have been so encouraging. They have helped get me through this. They know when to get on me for homework, or to ask if I am doing all right. I know it is because they are in tune with the spirit. They have been an example to me. They have gone through so much this last year and a half, and I haven’t really helped the burden, maybe have only added to it, but they keep moving forward. I love them so much and I know they are always there for me. I couldn’t ask for any better.

So many people are shocked when I tell them my schedule for this semester, 20 credits with working 24 hours a week. They wonder how I can do it. At the beginning of the semester I wondered that myself, but I knew I would have help. This semester has truly been a confirmation that he lord is with me in this, because if he wasn’t there is no way I would make it. I am so grateful for that.

I have realized that trials are for our own benefit. The lord is with us and he truly knows what is best for us. It’s a huge struggle, graduating from college, still unsure of where you are going to go in life, not really having any idea of what you are going to be doing in a year or even in a few months, but I know that I just have to have faith and do what is right and I will be guided and whatever happens will be for my benefit. I know that the lord is with me in everything I do and I am so grateful for his guidance, because without it I would be lost. No matter how many times I forget, it only took a little effort for me to feel his love.

Until Next time

Brittany

Whats Real?

I know I dont get on here and post things very often, notice that the post before this was in April. The reason behind this would be that I have no idea what to write about. Compared to other peoples crazy days, my day seems insignificant, so why write about it? So my life is boring. There are so many things wrong with what I have just said though, and it took me someone to tell me that I dont have a real life to make me think about this.

First, What is real life? Who is the judge of what is considered real or not. Isnt life something that is full of personal experiences. It is individual and personal, what you do, what you learn, how you have felt. No one can relate to you exactly. Think of it this way, when you experience something no one knows what you have experienced. If they had it would have to be the exact same experience, at the exact same time, with the exact same circumstances effecting you outside of this experience. And to learn the same thing, you would have to think the exact same. My point is, that never happens. I dont know if I heard this in institute or church but I thought it was really good and applys to how I have felt lately. If you were to go into a store and put all of your problems on a shelf and get rid of them, keeping in mind that when you left you had to pick up someone else problems. You would walk around the store and go back to your own problems pick them up and walk out.

Another thing that I find wrong with my statement of my life is boring and nothing happens is that it is not boring. I have heard a lot of people say that their life is boring so I know that I am not the only one in thinking like this, but it is so wrong. Put all those days together and think about the month or the year or your entire life and you will see your life is not boring at all. For example today I woke up at five in the morning, went to class to make bread. Now that I am home I am on the computer. But if you look at my entire week, On my second day of bake shop never having made bread before made 1500 rolls, rolling them out by hand, for a very important catering event which happened to be the scholarship ball at uvu. That helps earn money for the school so people can have scholarships and pay for school. The rolls were eaten by people who paid $180 a plate. The next day setting up the tables for the event and seeing how an ugly basement of an event center can turn into a beautiful display of tables decorated with fall flowers. Then the next day having stayed up till 2 in the morning because we served the 600 people bussed all the tables, cleaned all the dishes, making sure everything was on time and perfect and keeping clean enough to be presented to the people. I learned how to make baguettes, and why they rise and why it is important for bread to ferment. What steam does to bread, how to make sourdough bread, what salts purpose is in bread. I cheered up a friend who has been wanting to leave school and not been able to get over her boyfriend. I have made a new best friend. Met new people, been invited to things, played with my niece. I read a scripture that has seriously changed my life, and my friends. It has helped me to get out of this silent depression that I didnt tell others about that I have been in for almost a year now. Learned some really awesome stories about my ansestors.

Its all about perspective as well if you look at the basics or things in general yes they are boring, but what you learn from it, or details you fail to mention. That is what makes life exciting. So it is important to not forget all of that.

In conclusion, I have a real life. I have been through school. I have been hurt and lost my best friends that I have for years for doing nothing to them. I have dated, kissed and learned a lot about different boys. (No I am not going to put a number, I know you are curious.) I have been hurt used, and used again. I have turned into my own self instead of someone who could be pushed around or out of the way. I have moved out of the house at 18, THE YOUNGEST TO MOVE OUT IN MY FAMILY. I have lived on my own. I know what its like to live off of nothing but 5 dollars for three months because I was stupid and didnt balance my check book. Living of of nothing but Ramen noodles for a month is not fun at all. I know what it right and wrong, I have been hurt more from best friends and family then anyone, but from this I know how to deal with problems. I moved to Park City and went into a professional kitchen knowing nothing about food. I have been yelled at until crying and cutting tomatos. I have stood up for my beliefs when people were taking bets for when they could get me in bed or to have a drink or smoke. I am in debt, so I made a sacrifice of moving home and working during a very time consuming program at school so I can pay back that debt. For anyone who thinks I moved at home to use my parents money, no I know that its important to save money and get out of debt. I am grateful for Parents who love me enough to help me. For family who is there to help me and listen to me when I am having hard times. I am so happy that I have nieces and nephews to bring instant happiness in my life. They help remind me what its like to be a kid. I have learned about gaining a testimony, I have felt what its like to be in a very dark place and fill like no one is around to help. I have been a serious Car accident where it could have been a million times worse then it was, where if things went slightly different I could have died instead of just getting shock and a tiny bruise.

Our lives are our personal guides to grow and develop into what we need to be. They are special and valuable and we shouldnt think any differently of it. If its us who is thinking it, or others who tell us their opinions, we should never get discouraged. We are here for a reason, a purpose that only we can accomplish it as well as it needs to be.

I love my family so much. I love that I am here at this time and experiencing my life the way I am, because I am learning so much from it. Life doesnt start when you are a grown up, it doesnt start when you are 21, or married, or have your first kid. Yes its different from that in the past, but it starts from the beginning. Thats what Real is.

Deer Valley

I can't believe that my Deer Valley experience is nearing a close already. At the end of December I remember I was so scared about this whole thing, I didn't want to go through with it. I only thought of it as being an good way to grow my cooking experience. Who would have thought that I would love it and never want to leave. The start was horrible. My first day I was completely turned around and didn't pay attention to who anyone was. Walking onto the line, I met Kent first, he scared me. I met Pia next she helped me with my neckerchief and hat, she hardly spoke English. O'Neil hardly talked to me, he would come over and correct me when I was doing something wrong, so I thought we was stuck up and going to be rude the entire season. A few days later on Christmas eve, I totalled my car. Lets just say I thought these were all signs that I shouldn't be there. As the season progressed, I came to love it. Kent was really nice and taught me a lot about cooking, (how to use a knife, different kinds of herbs, what the five mother sauces are.) I ended up trying a lot of stuff that I had never had before. Pia and I became best friends. We would do all of our jobs together. She introduced me to most of the kitchen that also became my friends. Hector, Blanca, Carmen, Ravel, David, Angela, Joey, Clair, Marco, Marcio, Kris, Florencia, Gabriel, Kali, Chris, Teressa, and Martin.

I did a lot of growing up in this season as well. I am not so naive to the things that happen around me. I am afraid it was impossible to stay so naive in the area I was in. I consider this a good thing though. My room mate and friends at Rivers Edge, taught me about drugs, drinking and smoking. (I never did any of it) And being in the kitchen I heard a lot of things that I was sheltered from before.

Being a Mormon I was also asked a lot of questions. Most of the people that I was surrounded by had never heard anything about Mormons. The good thing is that a lot of people came to respect me for being able to follow my standards.

Another way I grew up was being able to go on my first trip with just friends. Pia, Hector, Florencia, and Blanca asked me to go to Vegas with them for a Weekend. It was a lot of fun. I didn't do anything bad either, just went and saw amazing shows and walked through the different style of casinos. I even braved going on the ride on the stratosphere.

Now that it is all coming to a close I am sad. Most of my friends are gone from the kitchen. I don't know what my boss thinks of me as a cook. All he says is that I am getting faster and I need to work on my speed, and that I am the best potato frier ever. I am the potato queen.

I know that I am going to miss my special family. Kent who was the dad of the group. O'Neil, the brother, who would always tease the boys flirting with Pia and I. he would say that he had to approve of every boy that could date me. He turned out to be the nicest and smartest guy I know. Then Pia my twin. I miss singing into the tongs with her. We both liked the same kind of movies and music. I just miss her.

Overall I think this was a great experience. Never before have I had a job where I didn't ever, not even for one day not want to go. I loved going and was glad to wake up every morning at 6:20 to head up to work, where I wouldn't return to the cabin till 6pm. I am going to miss it all so much.

Back To School

I am now at School. I moved up on monday. It was a new experience. I was going to a new place, all new room mates, new year. I was nervous driving up, but also excited. I wanted to meet my new room mates, but when I arrived, no one was there, there was only one bed left, a small bed right under the window. When I started unpacking, I met Melissa, my room roommate, she helped me with the rest of my stuff. She is a Senior, as well as two other of my room mates. I still have yet to meet one, the other I met getting ready this morning. They are sophmores. I spent the last two days with Kelsey, Kiah and Bryan. Now, classes are actually starting today, and suprisingly I am excited. I look as classes as something to do, keep me busy, and maybe meet new friends. Hopefully things work out. I am trying to be positive on everything but its hard. I have already had some experiences that have made me want to drive back home.
First: I had to spend 600 on books, now I am officially broke, and dont know what I am going to do.
Second: My place is small and I just dont really like it. And my room mate is an early bird.
Third: Well I forgot a lot of stuff at home I am realizing, like church clothes, yes all my church clothes are still at home in my closet. Also I brought my printer, but not the cords to use it.
Fourth: My friends from last year are either not here, or dont really like me.
Hopefully things work out. I keep thinking only two or three semesters left. Hopefully thats enouth to keep me going.

I don't know

I dont really know what to do, this is my first blog, and I am just doing this because my family is all getting one. I figured I might as well join. I guess I will just talk about what is going on. I am a teenage college student who is trying to find a job, but is having great difficulty. I am sick of sitting around at home, but all my friends are still in school, or already have jobs, and I have nothing else to do. I am glad I have family around, its fun to be around them again. I am stressed about school and being broke, but I am sure it will all work out in the end. Anyways, thats my life right now.